


john: get the last word

by VastDerp



Category: Homestuck
Genre: 2girls1cup, Anal Sex, Ass to Mouth, Cookies, Cybersex, Dirty Talk, Humiliation, Inflation, Innuendo, M/M, Oral Sex, Vore, all of them - Freeform, fetishes, jizz, jizz everywhere, oatmeal raisin cookies, pesterfic, salad tossing, teenaged boys being insensitive, you know what just all the fetishes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-04
Updated: 2011-11-07
Packaged: 2017-10-25 17:14:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/272775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VastDerp/pseuds/VastDerp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>just two hormonal teenaged boys talking about their dicks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. john: fondly regard adulation

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:55 --

 

EB: hey dave!

TG: sup

EB: nothing much! just wanted to let you know to expect a package this week.

TG: forward much dude

TG: i mean not that im not completely flattered but what will the neighbors think

TG: the walls are pretty goddamn thin here

TG: and just for your information im kind of a screamer

EB: uh.

EB: that is not what i meant to imply just now.

EB: and also i did not need to know that last bit.

TG: everyone needs to know that last bit 

TG: its like my signature move 

TG: i call it the banshee

EB: and this is all applicable because we are completely having sex.

TG: well yeah

TG: you and me are going to spend eternity squished together like a pair of naked barbies at the bottom of the toybox 

TG: but will you still think im pretty when im covered in crayon and toothmarks egbert 

TG: will you still love me when im vintage

EB: hey dave?

TG: at the risk of sounding utterly redundant 

TG: sup

EB: you know i would still love you if you were a barbie, right? even if some kid hacked all your hair off and lost your pretty rainbow comb i would still invite you to all my backyard stuffed animal tea parties. 

EB: i'm just sayin'.

TG: you say that but ive seen you drooling over that slut skipper

EB: i was not! i was checking out her cute shoes.

TG: you were imagining her spanking you through your creepy plastic-molded underpants

EB: this metaphor is starting to disturb me a little!

TG: okay yeah lets talk about something else

EB: let's talk about the sealed cardboard box full of horrible soft cookies my dad has bullied me into sending you on pain of death.

TG: should i be alarmed

TG: what kind of cookies

EB: i don't know! i think oatmeal raisin? he went batfuck insane and baked like five hundred of the goddamn things last night. if i don't send them to you and convey his sternest admonition to put some meat on your bones i have to eat them by myself. 

EB: all of them. 

EB: and then do you know what will happen to me?

TG: do tell

EB: i'll die, dave. i will inflate and explode like that guy on monty python.

TG: shit brosef

TG: my condolences in advance for your splattered organs

TG: thing is ive never been much of a fan of raisins

TG: they're grapes that forgot the sunblock

TG: and then they show up on the beach one day twenty years later looking like beef jerky in a string bikini

TG: except in this case you have to eat them instead of taking pictures for your blog

EB: you had better eat them anyway.

EB: they are blood cookies.

TG: hang on is this a force feeding fetish hes developing here

TG: i dunno if im cool with that 

TG: your dad is an okay guy but my jeans only expand so far before i start thinking muumuu thoughts 

TG: and weeping

EB: dave.

EB: no.

EB: you will eat the cookies until you love them. 

EB: end of debate.

TG: awfully butch today egbert

TG: youre making me wet 

TG: scuse me while i go rub one out in the bathroom 

TG: but first could you do me a favor and call me a dirty little piss piglet

EB: no.

EB: if i did you'd tell me what that means.

EB: the cookies. eat them.

EB: and don't think about me when you're jerking off. 

TG: no promises barbie

TG: but ill be sure to imagine myself buying you dinner first if that makes it any better. 

EB: i appreciate that.

EB: by the way.

EB: dave?

TG: better make it snappy son

TG: i got a halfie here with your name written all over it

TG: in two inch high letters

EB: i like it from behind.

TG: wait what

 

 

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 15:39 --

 

EB: hehehehe.

 


	2. Dave: regain lost ground

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:17 --

 

TG: well that was educational

EB: did you fall in?

TG: nah i havent done that in like

TG: six months

EB: i sure hope everything came out all right, bro.

TG: yeah you could say that

TG: i mean

TG: it hit the ceiling how does that even happen

EB: that does not sound like good times, dave. you might need to see a proctologist. 

TG: yeah

TG: taking a dump is definitely the thing i was talking about there

TG: on another completely unrelated topic, how big is your dick

TG: im just curious

EB: what?

TG: i am fucking with you egbert

TG: put the ruler down and back away slowly

EB: tchyeah, more like the yardstick.

EB: because it's just huge like that.

TG: whew that was a close one 

TG: thanks for spelling it out 

TG: you almost made a funny

EB: that would have been a disaster!

TG: youre telling me

TG: next thing you know therell be angels with eight heads fluttering around blowing trumpets

TG: the seventh seal is open and inside is the punch line of an actually mildly amusing egbert joke

TG: jesus is like ok you know what

TG: fuck this species im going to mars

TG: no but really

TG: have you ever measured it

EB: seriously?

TG: no this is still me fucking with you

TG: but you know how i get if no one plays along

TG: blackmail material

TG: now

TG: go go go

EB: i don't know! about average? i swear i never checked.

TG: liar you probably stand up against the doorway and mark it off with a pencil every week

TG: being like 

TG: oh john junior look another whole centimeter this year

TG: i am so proud of you

EB: not every week!

TG: see every time you say shit like that i get hard again

TG: its like im a coyote

TG: and youre this shivering helpless little bunny hopping around a meadow all fluffy and soft with your nose twitching and your ears all laid back

TG: just begging to be jumped and devoured

EB: wow, someone's into vore! you sure know how to woo 'em, dave. i am completey erect right now.

EB: fine. six inches. your turn.

TG: i make do with a modest six and a half.

EB: haha, i bet you were being serious.

TG: that seems to be the theme of this evening

EB: say, should i take my glasses off before we pork, or leave them on?

TG: survey says take them off

TG: not that i'd mind a little megane action

TG: assuming i notice either way while i'm busy pounding your ass like it stole my parking space

TG: but since were still doing the coyote rabbit slash thing and wildlife doesnt wear ugly square specs were sort of locked into the rules of my metaphor

TG: no big deal im pretty sure they'd end up knocked off and covered in spooge anyway

EB: hahaha, gross! these frames cost my dad like a hundred bucks!

EB: jeez, where do you come up with this stuff? 

TG: egbert

TG: im a teenage boy

TG: id fuck a hole through a tornado if it stayed in one place long enough 

EB: dave's dick was the center of the storm.

TG: yes

TG: exactly

TG: thank you for getting it

EB: it's because i spend all my time admiring your penis from afar.

EB: i can't help it. it's visible from my house on clear days.

EB: as you have reminded me several times already this week!

TG: its a blessing and a curse

TG: if it helps i try to tame the beast at least twice a day

TG: thats how i can still keep it pg between us in our little chats you know

EB: yeah, i know.

EB: you're so selfless with your whanger, dave. let's embrace like bros.

TG: what if i just shoved it down your throat instead and sort of

TG: i dont know

TG: celebrated my emerging homosexuality all over your face

EB: i guess that would make sense too! i mean, i wouldn't want to swallow on the first date. you'd think i was easy!

EB: i assume you aren't using a condom while we have this totally amazing sex.

TG: oh yeah no question

TG: theres no aids in dreamland 

TG: hope you like facials, bro

EB: oh, totally. would i be on my knees or what? i want to keep this fantasy as ergonomically feasible as possible. Let me know if i need to be imagining kneepads here.

TG: yeah thats cool i wouldnt want knee pain to distract you from having your face fucked

EB: see this is why we are having such amazing imaginary sex. you are a very considerate fake lover.

EB: hey are we going to be doing anything to my junk during all of this?

TG: fuck i have to go afk for a few minutes something huge just came up

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:39 --


	3. john: explain birds and bees

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:00 --

 

TG: right so where were we 

EB: hi again! 

EB: hmm. i was on my knees and you were blasting me in the face.

TG: oh yeah

TG: hope i didnt get it in your hair

EB: a little bit but i don't mind if it's you, dave. your love pudding can land wherever it wants on my body.

TG: love pudding

TG: for fucks sake egbert

TG: why is it always desserts with your family

EB: we could switch to a different course if you're getting bored.

EB: you could toss my salad! 

TG: uh

EB: oh come on, after all i've done for you the least you can do to reciprocate is apply your dressing to my lettuce and chow down!

TG: egbert what the christ

TG: what websites have you been reading

TG: im telling your dad before you fall into the two girls one cup abyss of pornographic damnation

TG: its for your own good

TG: and the sanctity of your butthole

EB: that is very considerate of you, but my heinie has seen worse.

TG: im listening

TG: tell me what you have done to your poor defenseless chocolate starfish

TG: and why

EB: uh, because it's there! like everest but tighter.

EB: feels good man.

EB: you're telling me you never went spelunking?

TG: theres nothing in that particular cavern i want to see or get all over my hands egbert

TG: not every crevice needs to be pestered into submission for the sake of tawdry amusement

TG: especially not that one 

EB: siiiign. welcome to the twenty first century, dude! we have horseless carriages now!

TG: yeah im a stodgy old fart because i never shoved a fat one up my poop chute and bounced around like it was a horsey ride.

TG: golly gee now whered i put my cane oh thats right i left it in the fuck you

EB: daaaaaaaave.

EB: dave dave dave.

TG: what

EB: you were perfectly fine cyberbombing my backdoor bunker like two hours ago!

EB: you are a hypocrite and a pederast.

EB: don't even deny it.

TG: well yeah

TG: but its different when its my cock up someone elses tight hot twink ass

TG: because of reasons

EB: because of fear of the unknown.

TG: what no way

TG: i will play baseball but i refuse to be on that side of the endzone is all

TG: or whatever the fuck they call it

EB: bawk bawk bawk.

TG: not rising to the bait you sodomite

TG: nothing on earth will ever convince me to wear my ankles as earmuffs

EB: that is because you never met mr. prostate, friend to all.

TG: bullshit

TG: you never choked the chicken let alone milked the asscow

TG: your bluff

TG: im calling it

EB: what's wrong, mr. sneaky coyote? is your bunny hopping a little too fast around the meadow?

EB: scared it might turn around and nibble on you instead?

TG: i was done with that metaphor an hour ago egbert do keep up

EB: mine now. deal with it.

TG: you know what

TG: fine

TG: introduce me to this magical land of yours

TG: walk me through the process of becoming best friends forever with my rump tunnel

TG: leave in the agonized shrieks i want that air of realism while we frolic willy nilly through the fields of fantasyland

EB: dude, they make lube for that. going dry is a good way to start a forest fire.

TG: i guess smutty fanfiction done learned me wrong

EB: pretty much!

TG: consider this my moment of credulity and dazzle me with your encyclopedic carnal knowledge

TG: your pants are down

TG: the door is deadbolted

TG: i assume your pole is hard as clint eastwoods eyes

TG: manhandling the skinflute like youre trying to play flight of the bumblebees on it

TG: what do you do next

EB: okay well first of all let's not bring clint eastwood into bed with us.

EB: he is not my type.

TG: fine it can be matthew modine since hes been naked around nicolas cage before 

TG: fulfilling your deepest desires even if he was a bird at the time

EB: suck my dick dude, that was a great movie and you should be ashamed.

EB: but let's just keep this about you and me. 

TG: okay then teach me sensei

TG: show me the ways of bung fu

EB: i will if you'll shut up for a minute, asshopper!

EB: ....

EB: that's the spirit.

EB: so you get your dick out

TG: scroll up i already did that

EB: SHOOSH.

EB: wait, are you looking at porn in this masturbatory choose your own adventure?

EB: or is this more of a closed-eye fantasy fap.

TG: watching a movie

TG: in the spirit of our buttplay theme lets make it kinky bi guys volume 28

TG: with two bodybuilders spitroasting a cheerleader and making out over her naked back at the same time

TG: maybe one is blonde and the other has like black hair and both of them are just dripping sweat and sort of moaning a little

TG: then they switch and oops the cheerleader isnt the one in the middle anymore oh shit what do we do now hmm

TG: can we start from there

TG: hypothetically

EB: sure.

TG: all right so lets take it from the top where you're jerking it to the three way

TG: aaaand action

EB: well i guess the first thing i would do is keep spanking it a while

EB: really get in the mood, you know?

EB: you don't want to go there unless you are totally relaxed.

EB: so keep doing that til it starts, you know. getting good.

TG: how

TG: elaborate on technique

EB: jeez i don't know! up and down i guess?

TG: slow or fast

EB: why does it matter?  


TG: it just does  


EB: dave, you need to stop cockblocking imaginary john in the middle of his happy time. he can't get off under this kind of pressure.

TG: i cant picture it unless you give me the details 

TG: assclown

EB: pillowbiter.

TG: shirtlifter

EB: ANYWAY.

EB: okay fine up and down kind of slow. 

TG: cut or uncut

EB: cut.

TG: awesome

EB: shut uuuuup.

EB: keep that up til you're nice and worked up.

EB: then the important thing. you need lube, brosef. lots of lube.

EB: however much you think you need won't be enough.

TG: this sounds messy

EB: you will have to cope with that, dave.

EB: it is your cross to bear.

TG: i wasnt complaining

TG: by the way whats going up there

TG: do you just use your hand or

EB: hand first i think.

EB: unless you're really, really bored.

TG: oh fuck you really have done this before

TG: please tell me you never did it with something that went back in the fridge afterwards

TG: ive eaten dinner at your place

TG: dont tell me you gave me indirect ass to mouth i dont think i could take that

EB: eeeeeeeeeeeeeew!

EB: okay that's it, sex is cancelled, we all to go to bed with blue balls.

TG: that is cold man

EB: but seriously i have to go, it's dinner time. we can pick this up later if you're done setting the scene.

EB: bbl!

TG: dont eat the carrots johns dad

TG: for the love of christ

TG: please

TG: dont eat the carrots

\-- ectoBiologist [EB]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead[TG] at 20:10 --


	4. Dave: get on top of this situation

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:33 --

 

EB: okay, i'm back. you'll never guess what we had for dinner.

TG: im gonna go way out on a limb and guess

TG: cake

TG: again

EB: meat loaf cake with mashed potato icing.

EB: and green bean candles.

EB: my father is a menace.

TG: yeah im just gonna go ahead and call cps for you

TG: as soon as i finish my nourishing spread of doritoes and flat aldi cola with cat hair in it

TG: which is like 

TG: what the fuck

TG: i never even had a cat but whatever im getting off topic

TG: must be the scurvy fucking with my short term memory again

TG: well get you somewhere safe brosephine baker just hang on a little longer

EB: you are a true friend, dave strider.

TG: yeah

TG: you are the only person i would ever trust to stick a finger up my ass while sucking me off

EB: i know.

EB: i love you too dude.

TG: oh hey while were on the topic of anal piracy

TG: ive been thinking about your whole puckered funzone fantasy and i gotta say i am not feeling it the way you have the whole scenario laid out

TG: i mean ok yeah watching you poke around up there like you lost your car keys is fun and all but i feel all kinds of left out just sort of gazing deep into your ass and wishing i had a ticket to ride that roller coaster

EB: huh. 

EB: and here i thought you would be all for the voyeurism thing. 

TG: well yeah usually

TG: nothing makes me harder than imagining watching you get all slicked up and fuck your fingers with that derpy look on your face like somebody just told you they were making a goonies sequel

TG: maybe leaking a little precum or something and rubbing it around the head

TG: i dont know im just saying in general

TG: i already fap to that

TG: so what say you and me take it up a notch just this once maybe introduce some audience participation

TG: it would be educational if i were the one making you whimper and clamp down is all i mean

EB: i am so honored! 

EB: this is like being asked to the naked butt sex prom by the big gay quarterback!

EB: oh gosh, what will i wear?

TG: how about me

TG: draped all across your back sucking on your neck while i slam you into the mattress

TG: thats what all the popular girls are wearing this year

TG: it even comes with its own matching pearl necklace

TG: itd look really nice on you so how bout it princess wanna dance with the devil in the pale moonlight

TG: please say yes and make mine the happiest dick on the planet

EB: oh dave, of course i'll go with you to butt sex prom!

EB: but don't think I didn't notice you switching me to catcher again, you chicken.

EB: shit, we just went from dating to sports.

TG: its all right im used to the metaphor mixing by now

TG: now bite my zipper with those beaver teeth and get these pants off me before i come in them

EB: swoooooooon!

EB: all right you are now completely naked. we are both naked, dave. naked together. 

EB: be gentle, it's my first time!

TG: i bet you say that to all the pervs

EB: well yeah but this time i really mean it.

EB: what with you about to fill me with your....

EB: fuck, what do you call it again?

TG: its a penis egbert

TG: jesus christ this is getting into creepy ice cube ochinchin territory now

EB: no, i mean... surely you must have given it a pet name by now!

TG: how about we call it oh my god oh my god fuck me harder oh god dave oh god

EB: penis it is then. anyway, we're naked because you've just blandished me right into bed with your smooth talk of goonies sequels and orgasm hickeys.

EB: and all that stuff i said earlier about the lube still applies, only now you're going to be doing the work. sound good?

TG: egbert i am going to make you scream my dicks name so hard your dad thinks you just got religion

EB: sweet! this metaphor just got super blasphemous. my nipples are all scrunched up. does that mean i'm going to hell?

TG: yeah sure whatever now let me come over there and get into you before i start making cake jokes

EB: no. no no no. don't you even go there!

TG: ooh im blowing out your candles let me cut off a slice of that sweet vanilla goodness

EB: dave no!

TG: and lick all the cream off

EB: DAVE MOTHERFUCKING STRIDER YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH RIGHT NOW.

TG: looking right in your eyes as i whisper happy birthday johnny boy

TG: and swallow it all down

EB: fuck.

EB: there, are you happy? it has wilted.

EB: you killed my dick.

EB: you asshole.


	5. Dave: be the pony

TG: well goddamn aint my face red

TG: anything i can do to cheer the little feller up

EB: no. it is expired. it is dead. it is an ex-dick.

EB: not even the tenderest of tonguebaths will restore john junior to his former glory.

TG: what if i took the whole damn thing and didnt even gag on it

TG: lips all up against your balls egbert would that help or should i just clap my hands and try to say i believe in fairies around a mouthful of your swooning beef truncheon

TG: because i do believe in fairies john i do

TG: im sucking one off right now 

EB: iiiii dunno...

TG: come on dont you pussy out on me goddamn it 

TG: ill even swallow just dont you leave me here alone with this angry boner

EB: okay fine, i guess i'm hard again.

EB: but WATCH IT.

EB: one more remark about the batterwitch and this candy-colored fantasy of waving schlongs goes away forever, strider.

EB: now about that swallowing...

TG: yeah  done and done

TG: now what

EB: now is the part of the show where i introduce you to mr. prostate.

TG: friend to all yeah i know

TG: i guess im handing you the lube or whatever

TG: the condemned man preparing for the firing squad

TG: you better have clean fingernails in this fantasy because i am not getting dream tetanus again

EB: totally clean! Trimmed and filed like the hands of a true and dapper gentleman. I would never presume to touch your booty with anything less than the most polished of manicures.

TG: thats a relief so are you jacking me off too or what

EB: yeah, one hand is sliding up and down on your cock and the other one approaches ground zero.

TG: cool i bet its slick as hell

EB: like a slip n slide, dude. just chillax and let me work my magic. i swear your behymen won't know what hit it.

TG: sure okay

TG: also egbert just as an aside

TG: if you ever tell anyone i took it up the butt i will staple your balls to a moving bus

EB: am i to understand that you are tensing up, dave? because it is going to hurt more that way.

TG: no im chill as fuck just stick it in already

EB: okey-doke! i am just using the one finger right now. for the sake of this fantasy let's assume you are as tight as my nanna's handwriting.

TG: holy fucking shit that is the worst dirty talk i ever fucking heard

TG: shame on you

TG: ugh

EB: call it payback for the cake remarks :P

EB: but seriously it's going in and out pretty easy now. how do you like that?

TG: lets assume it didnt kill me

EB: you know dave

EB: i just had this mental image of you doing all this stuff in your room right now.

EB: pretending it was me.

EB: i mean, i am not saying you are! but wouldn't it be weird if you had a finger up your ass because i told you to put it there?

EB: dance, puppet, dance! ahahaha!

TG: how the fuck would i be typing if i had a hand on my dick and another up my ass that makes no goddamn sense

EB: good point. 

EB: too bad, it would have been funny!

EB: gosh, you're hard as a rock. it's twitching all over the place just from me petting it!

EB: has it been a while?

TG: nah

TG: couple hours

TG: being a teenager rules

EB: sure does! 

EB: do you think you can take another completely fictional finger? 

TG: yeah sure 

TG: the first one is always the hardest right everything else is just sliding down that slippery slope

TG: by the end of tonight this blushing virgin is going to be the engine on a five mile man train

TG: plunging forward in a thick white cloud of steam

TG: god this feels good

EB: isn't imagination fun?

EB: speaking of making shit up, i am completely macking on your nipples right now.

TG: you get so much done in a day

TG: worker bees got nothing on john the blowjob king

EB: yep!

EB: all right dude brace yourself. i'm about to show you the world.

EB: http://www.howtobuttfucking.de/fuuu/harassing_the_prostate_for_fun_and_profit.gif follow this treasure map! 

TG: wow a cross section thats hot as fuck let me just spatter it with jet after jet of hot young eau de stallion

EB: x marks the spot. that's where i'm aiming right about...

EB: now.

EB: not too hard, not too soft. sort of just saying hi.

EB: let me know when i have introduced you to your new best buddy, dave.

EB: i will be over here completely flogging your dolphin for you.

EB: i mean, in case you were wondering! 

TG: okay hold on

TG: how will i know when

TG: oh

TG: fda

TG: hey

TG: uh

TG: hello there 

TG: is that

EB: friend to all! :)

TG: holy shit

EB: atta boy! 

TG: you smug little nerd if you dont flip me over and fuck my freshly unpackaged ass right now i will take my toys and my shiny new prostate and go home

EB: oh no you don't! i just got my boner back, no way i'm putting it away now.

EB: the anaconda is now on the hunt and jennifer lopez is you.

TG: worst movie ever

EB: shhhhh only ironic gay sex now. and no it wasn't it was cool.

TG: if your fingers didnt feel like a piece of heaven stuck halfway up my ass i would call you so many names right now egbert

TG: jesus fucking

TG: jesus

EB: all right, i'm going to utterly destroy your anal virginity now, dave.

EB: this is going to be super awesome. be sure to moan a lot. like porn moans. porn GIRL moans. 

TG: no complaints here 

EB: yeah i'm basically giving it to you like you like it.

EB: which i'm guessing involves some kind of humilating language right?

TG: y

EB: cool. 

EB: how about

EB: take it you dirty little whore.

EB: i know you like it when i use you like the toy you are.

EB: you know what, i'm totally going to come in your ass.

EB: that's what you get for making fun of my glasses.

EB: and my teeth.

EB: actually, on second thought, i'm going to shoot my entire load in your ass first, and then i'm going to drink the last apple juice you have stowed in that hatbox on the top shelf of your closet.

EB: in case you're wondering, this is where i start really laying into you with my cock. your prostate does not know what the fuck.

EB: pretend i'm trying to poke a hole through the bed with my massively erect dong, and your tight pink ass keeps getting in the way.

EB: maybe i should mention how i'm spanking that ass a little bit while i'm at it. what do you think, dave? 

EB: never mind, this is my fantasy now and you can't stop me. i am now totally slapping you on the ass every time i pull out. hahahaha, no orgasm for you!

EB: deal with it.

EB: so... yeah.

EB: that's pretty much what i am up to right now. fucking you in the ass hard and fast while i spank you and call you my tight little cum slave. is that too many things at once? oh well.

EB: i am pretty sure you are completely unraveling right about now, what with all the various ways i'm violating your tender young body to get myself off.

EB: how's that pillow taste now, mr. tough guy? 

EB: let's assume it's really good, because you keep going back for more.

EB: had enough yet?

EB: ...

EB: dave?

EB: okay that's just rude, just for that i'm going to make you come all over your bedspread so you have to be my slut AND do laundry too. ha! 

EB: i'm not spanking you anymore. just jerking you off. in case you were wondering.

EB: are you seeing stars yet? 

EB: should I suck on your neck? turnabout is fair play.

EB: dave come on. my imaginary wrist is getting tired.

EB: if we do this too long you might have some trouble sitting down tomorrow!

EB: dave dave dave dave

EB: earth to cum slut come in cum slut

EB: hahah no wait, that's my job.

EB: holy cow, you're tight.

EB: is what i would be saying, if this were real.

EB: i can't hold on any longer. hold on.

EB: wow my stuff is everywhere.

EB: sorry about flooding your ass dude.

EB: it was an act of god. no stopping it once it started.

EB: i hope you felt that earthquake, dave! i think it was at least an 8.3 over here!

EB: fiiiine, if you're going to ignore me, i'm going to pull out and finish you off with my mouth.

EB: that'll teach you to go afk while i'm knocking your socks off.

TG: no its cool mission accomplished

TG: you had me squirting at cum slut

TG: jesus christ egbert

TG: i know the rule of broship is we dont talk about our cocks and actually mean it

TG: but i gotta ask

TG: you seriously got through that without actually having to jerk off even once

TG: seriously what are you a robot have you no heart

TG: im more or less glued to my computer chair here by my own fluids and my cock is in a coma

TG: and youre all like trololol la foul mouth sans merci up in here

TG: how can you not be humping every surface in your room 24/7 with a dirty mind like that

TG: reveal your secrets you freaky little bitch

TG: how do you do it

TG: and why didnt you ever do it to me before was i too subtle or something

TG: goddamn my toes are still uncurling

EB: whoops, sorry! i had to go clean up.

EB: let me scroll up and read.

EB: haha, oh dave. you are a card!

EB: it's just so much more fun to mess with you.

EB: and oh hey, by the way. i have a present for you!

EB: http://omghosty.cn/pornload/how_i_spent_the_last_thirty_minutes_001.jpg

EB: http://omghosty.cn/pornload/how_i_spent_the_last_thirty_minutes_002.jpg

EB: http://omghosty.cn/pornload/how_i_spent_the_last_thirty_minutes_003.jpg

EB: http://omghosty.cn/pornload/how_i_spent_the_last_thirty_minutes_004.jpg

EB: http://omghosty.cn/pornload/how_i_spent_the_last_thirty_minutes_005.mov

EB: http://omghosty.cn/pornload/how_i_spent_the_last_thirty_minutes_006.mov

EB: that last one is the best, in my opinion.

TG: oh my god you recorded it

TG: fuckin saved

EB: if you look to the right of the tissue box you can see where i've set up my microphone for the speech to text program. it's pretty accurate!

EB: saves me a lot of typing when i'm occupied, dave.

TG: okay i admit it you broke my brain

TG: this is like finding out your sunday school teacher is a porn star

TG: except hotter

TG: no fucking way thats six inches

TG: im not sure i can take the real thing without it coming out my eye or something but holy shit

TG:that is a cock that could boost tourism and i want it to live in my mouth

EB: i'm glad you like my dick, dave. we should do this again soon!

TG: yes

TG: yes we should

TG: im going to go drink about a gallon of this shitty pop to rehydrate

TG: and then i am setting up my webcam

TG: and then i challenge you to a rematch

EB: any time, any place. my body is ready.

TG: you complete and utter freak

EB: hehehe! 

EB: oh hey, my dad put a bunch of chocolate chip cookies in with the oatmeal raisin. i asked him for you.

TG: sweet thanks

TG: i love chocolate chip

TG: i can give the raisin abominations to bro or something that motherfucker would eat the slime off a dock pier if it had sugar on it

TG: no offense to your dads truly excellent baking

EB: hahaha! yeah. remember that time bro ate a corn chip you found behind the radiator for five bucks?

TG: been trying to forget that egbert thanks for bringing it fresh to the top of my list of things that prove there is no god

TG: the worst part was how it didnt make any noise when he chewed it

TG: i think i may be scarred for life

TG: my innocence is lost forever

EB: i know, dude.

EB: i know.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 22:13 --

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [john: get the last word [Theatripod]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3888340) by [AshesandGhost](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshesandGhost/pseuds/AshesandGhost), [liobi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/liobi/pseuds/liobi), [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong)




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